Wednesday, June 1, 2016

"Spoon?!? You want me to assassinate Spoon?!?"

"Spoon?!? You want me to assassinate Spoon?!?"

I looked up from the image, clipped right off their fourth album's cover, As Hoopy As We Wanna Be. Sure as I was lookin', livin', and breathin', it was Spoon, lead singer and ubermench organist of Galactic Funk Railroad. "Why in the world would ANYBODY want to kill Spoon? I mean, sure, he's a rocker an' all - as hard and as funked out as they come--but com'on, this guy was a legend in 36 quadrillion known galaxies! I mean I love this guy! Heck! Everybody loves this guy! They call him Spoon 'cause he eats his soup with a fork, for being's sake! And G.F.R. has had more multi-mega-ultra-double-PLUTONIUM-plated-platnium-coated-platnium hits than...than....anybody! Why?"

The small man who'd hired me stood stock still. He peered up at me from behind his thick, immaculately polished Viz-Flaro(TM) deep-space screening visor and said not a word. Look, I'm no chump. I'm an internationally known and wanted bounty hunter who made the Kessel Run in...oh, wait, that was that other guy. But anyways, I'm no slouch.

But this little guy made my skin crawl. He was like a little greasy black and white beetle. All rounded curves and shiny surfaces--like if you wanted to try and clap hands on him, he'd be like holdin' onta water, ya know? But, hey, I've been around and I've dealt with my fair share of deep-space scum and world-ownin' boss-barons and intergalactic, dark-cape-wearin' evil overlords...but none of them gave me the willies like this guy.

I tried it from a different angle. "Look, fellah. You've got yer reasons and they're none o' mine. I get it. This ain't my first kill-d-o, if ya get my drift. But com'on! Spoon?! G.F.R. would not even be the same without his sweet, sweet croons, man! And they got an awesome thing goin', fellah. I mean, they say that Galactic Funk Railroad's sound is so smooth that it greases the gears of planetary orbits! This music is so freemy that it makes light speed stop an listen! You don't wanna knock-off ol' Spoony, do ya, pal? Really?"

I'd done my best. I'd given the little beetle-bookkeeper-dude my all. It didn't matter. He just looked at me like I was something he needed to remember to label once he was done with the dissecting. He nodded once. It was a small, but somehow totally threatening motion.

I got the chills. "But....but why?" My voice cracked. I actually thought I might cry a little bit.

That seemed to get to him. One side of his little beetle brow cocked up, like when you get a broken bone but it just don't quite poke outta the skin. "Because. He's my father."

I could'a sworn my jaws hit the floor - both of 'em.

Art Source: "Brax Portrait -Ratchet and Clank CGI Paintover" (c)/by Tonywash
Story and Characters: (c)/by Brannon Hollingsworth

#MMWW, #Makes, #Me, #Wanna, #Write, #BrannonHollingsworth, #funny, #hitchhikersguidetothegalaxy, #assassinate, #G.F.R., #Galactic Funk Railroad, #funk, #70's, #Spoon, #music


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